Reflecting and "being still"

Taking time to dream about the bright future ahead of me ....

I will now go back and read all of my past daily entries ... the ones you all have read! I will reflect and look forward to my
Jer:2911 ~

I'm changing things up here at Bella's right now. Instead of a typical journal entry each day, I will go back and capture the pictures that were woven into my "past" entries and post them here in the original order. My words will be little to none. I want to diminish what I have shared so far and uphold the histories of other voices that have gone before me, who have published there experiences, knowledge and findings.

To my daily readers ... I would love to hear of any memories or thoughts that are provoked as you re-live the photo trail that I re- invent, again with the histories and findings of other souls that have, ( in essence) traveled this road I have just begun.

For now, and with thanks as always .....

unamentebelle


Zoe ~

After The Mat ....

The Dojo ... A place I would have never dreamed I would know in life. I do not know how to fight and I cant beat anyone up ... but my mind is better for being there. I did some testing in my journey to figure out why I hit invisible walls in life over and over! Apparently my mind is not all that geared for being an engineer and spatially I scored low. The woman who read my results said, dance classes, Karate, things like that would be hard for you. I told her, I dance (social dance etiquette) and I'm a karate gal for fun as well. No I do not pick up on things as fast as the rest of the class.... I have to stop and write things down while my son does not and looks at me with a funny face when I’m running to the side of the mat to jot down some Wang chung short hand! :)
What I'm most amazed about is how God can go before us and divinely weave into our life things we need. I give myself credit for being sensitive to discern his guidance.... but little did I know ... He was taking care of me before I knew what lay ahead. My self-esteem (and for MANY with ADD sufferer's) gets the most damaged. Imagine walking into work and before you get into your office chair you hit a wall and fall over. You look all over for the wall but it is not there ... so your mind then says.... OK there is nothing here and I just fell on my fanny HOW STUPID AM I!! Multiply this experience times minutes, hours and days = years PLUS a few things you started but never finished ... BUT LEARNED A TON! Answer = self-perception –1. NOW ADD a touch of genius that can wax on the wickedest self-beatings articulating, every experience and detail perfectly (at warp speeds daily).... and people ask me...why do you grieve during this season?
Well anyways…. All of these pictures were taken tonight after karate class (Except the one in my Gee). I have a spring in my step when I leave the studio. Finding out Karate is good for the way my brain is crafted was cool beans after all … divine how things work out in life. I have been in Kenpo for four years now...through foot surgeries and life’s challenges, I have not stopped loving my art or continuing to go back.
My hair gets toughed up ... ((((((*&*&^%&%*))))) I think I have been so girly all of my life, it feels good to get aggressive in a safe environment, especially when you hit the bag and you get one of those ...eeew I THINK THAT WOULD HURT! :)
I give thanks for the gifts that have divinely woven healing into my life. I have discerned and chosen the materials, tools and artful textures to work with. There is a plan for me, a plan not of harm or evil, but of prosperity profound, I weave this truth into my mind heart and soul. I weave this truth into my everyday life and future and everything I am.... and all that my heart and hand touches ... for life and death are in the power of the tongue and those that use it will eat the fruit thereof~ Touché'
I have this beautiful mind for a purpose and I give thanks for it~

Comments,Thoughts and Facts...

Joe,
Thank you for commenting on my blog .
Joe said...
Hello Bella,
"Is it possible the drugs are complicating your thought processes.
The way you talk about your diagnosis is as if you been diagnosed w/ a terminal illness. Or have you always been like this."
BELLA: Point well taken. It sounds like you are picking up on my grief and low humm.... I'm going through a loss right now because I'm finding out that this ADD is never going to go away and I have searched my whole life as to why I feel the way I feel daily. There may be a heaviness that seems inappropriate or complicating but this is part of the grieving process and cant be rushed or denied ( believe me if I could do either I would) ! :) Yes indeed my diagnoses is "terminal as you say but not to the point of death. It is terminal by the way of
it being incurrable...see definition for terminal in this context.

Definitions of Terminal illness on the Web:
A condition that is incurable and irreversible.
www.aarpsegundajuventud.org/english/health/2003-nov/glossary.htm

I added experts from an article that might address some core knowledge about ADD that hopefully will address some mis-understandings.


***What Causes AD/HD?

"AD/HD is a very complex, neurobiochemical disorder. Researchers do not know AD/HD's exact causes, as is the case with many mental and physical health conditions."

"Recent technological advances in brain study are providing strong clues as to both the presence of AD/HD and its causes. In people with the disorder, these studies show that certain brain areas have less activity and blood flow and that certain brain structures are slightly smaller."

"These differences in brain activity and structure are mainly evident in the prefrontal cortex, the basal ganglia, and the cerebellum (Castellanos & Swanson, 2002). These areas are known to help us inhibit behavior, sustain attention, and control mood.
There is also strong evidence to suggest that certain chemicals in the brain-called neurotransmitters-play a large role in AD/HD-type behaviors. Neurotransmitters help brain cells communicate with each other. The neurotransmitter that seems to be most involved with AD/HD is called dopamine. Dopamine is widely used throughout the brain. Scientists have discovered a genetic basis for part of the dopamine problem that exists in some individuals with AD/HD. Scientists also think that the neurotransmitter called norepinephrine is involved to some extent. Other neurotransmitters are being studied as well (Castellanos & Swanson, 2002)."

"When neurotransmitters don't work the way they are supposed to, brain systems function inefficiently. Problems result. With AD/HD, these are manifested to the world as inattention, hyperactivity, impulsivity, and related behaviors."

"Children with AD/HD are often blamed for their behavior. However, it's not a matter of their choosing not to behave. It's a matter of "can't behave without the right help." AD/HD interferes with a person's ability to behave appropriately." ***

~THANK YOU FOR YOUR COMMENT AND I HOPE I ANSWERED YOUR QUESTION!


Thank You God For My beautiful Mind ~


***Briefing Paper 14 (FS14)
3rd Edition, April 2002
Resources updated, 2004
Approx: 43 pages when printed.
PDF version


by Mary Fowler

Zoe...

I am loved...a Princess to a King ~

Jer 29:11 has come into my life in ways, I'm surprised that a bird has not landed on my shoulder and spoke this promise over me as it manifested at the oddest times in unlikely places.

I'm His Princess and I have a beautiful mind...and I'm thankful ~

Know who your friends are in your darkest hours~

I have made a decision to fight for myself as I go through this "Darkest Hour."

I will define and or re-define friendships and who I am for my health. I will tell my beautiful mind that it is annointed for purpose. "There is a plan unfolding for you" I will say..."To do great and mighty things beyond current knowing or understandings." Grief and tears may come as a natural result of living life. So this is true...OK...I'm true! I'm alive! Touche' I will bring on some of my Miss Zoe!!! Look for a weaving that will evolve here at Bella's from today on! A weave made of fibers untouchable, many colors of positive power mantra's that will form art, and the transformation of a human soul. I may undo a weave and re-do it better, the journey will be amazing and full of dynamics yet unseen.... stay tuned!

So far there has been a "live" story unfolding here....do you ever wonder what is in the center of it all? God is in the center, and I am unfolding a mystery of my very own mind. To visit Bella's is to experience a 36 year old woman walking through a mid-life diagnoses of ADD/HD. So common those letters ADD/HD ... white noise they have become! What is so profound to me is this "white noise" has a core of many unsung sad stories of lives mis-understood that are yet un-heard and literally left in the wake of the deficiet itself. Tell me, I say to myself....with this reality at hand, what are the chances, of those drowning in the depths of ADD/HD. Will they be heard when they live amongst the unbelieving? In a numb land of white noises, the climate is always overcast with the clouds of ignorance....rarely doth the sunlight shine. This is the lonliest land I have ever traveled, even though there are masses of others just like me....this is a dark land...who turnded down the lights and why?
Why is this the land a place of discovery where you find out who your true friends are? Why is this the land of grieving? Someone said to me this week...what is there to grieve Zoe, you have been this way your whole life! I wanted to say ... then you know more than I know. I wanted to ask, would you not grieve the "not knowing part" ESPECAILLY if everyone else knew, but you did not? How loney I say to myself...how ignorant are those who live on the outside of all of this, it is not their fault. However,if they had one small into my realities, their mouths would silence involuntarily. It validates me to say this becasue I strongly believe this is true. I have bottles of tears to prove this, tears that cant be cultivated at will, they bring pains in the body and some...hello world...do my words resonate anywhere in your soul? This week a person I call my _______ friend who has ADD betrayed me, left me in utter physical danger and trauma. I was directed by my boss who was knowledgeable RE: "med changes"(I was going through one) hence, my doctor and boss rescued me. I blame my friends ADD as the culprit in this betrayl. My ____ friend is medically trained who has ADD and it seems the land of white noise has taken a toll on this persons soul.....this I fear is where we fellow americans have led one another as a culture. Pride, lust, selfishness, mania untamed and greed are at the throats of the conscience's in our people. Let this story tell a tale of what unmanaged ADD can form in a person who is driven to distraction...the heart never connects properly and they are selfishly formed (not on purpose) into a clay pot that is hardened and marred.
**As a survival tactic, I declare with all that I am.....I will define my friendships both by observation and communication and live them out from there. I cant betray myself umongst the villagers of tribal commune's that hunt only for themselves. I will forgive such a people even as they hover over their kill only to keep secrets, unconfessed sin and a fake persona worn on their back...the persona they wear on their back is the only part of them they let anyone see, as they are a villager, a tribal member of the worlds ways, lacking the knowledge of who 'LOVE' is. This "love" unknown leaves a people who cant live out love profound. All mankind would do well to ponder this reality ..... I ponder, so I can nourish my mind to discern, so I may choose life......... as life and death are set before us all daily.

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful!

GOOD GRIEF!! Nov. 3rd -7th 2006

~I'M DEFINATELY GRIEVING...SORRY EVERYONE...WISH I COULD MAKE IT GO AWAY BUT ... YEP ... NOPE ...CANT DO THAT~
I have tried to make myself behave ... post it notes ... put up with things I should not have, to try to be a better person and have found I have some limitations and they are biological in nature...this is a whole different world than, "Behave behave."

Feel free to go to the archives (drop down window there,found to the right of the page) and look at other posts. I fully understand that some may not relate with the greif process, especailly over "ADD mid-life diagnoses." Yes it is hard to understand, so feel free to just look around at your will. All of my picture are taken by me (alone) . Re-touching and enhancing the pictures has been relaxing for me during this time...a good hobby to have and it helped me to bring out my artistic side ~

~STOPPING TO TAKE CARE OF MYSELF ~




1. Denial and Isolation:
2. Anger:
3. Bargaining:

4. Depression: 5.Acceptance:

1. Take your time. Don’t let others rush you into “getting over” your feelings.
2. Don’t make major decisions. This is a time of instability.
3. Avoid the temptation to find alternative substances to numb the pain.
4. CRY. Tears are the healthiest way to express grief. Don’t try to hold them in for the sake of others.
5. Know that there will be good days and bad days. Holidays and significant events i.e. birthdays, anniversaries, could be triggers for your grief.
6. If a loved one is lost, remember them as often as you need to.
7. Allow yourself time to heal. Pay attention to your health. Get enough sleep, eat healthy, get outside in the sunshine (we live in an ideal state for this), and exercise even if it’s just a short walk.
8. Do service for someone else. The best way to uplift one’s spirits is doing service for others.
9. Seek out grief counseling if you feel that you cannot cope alone.
10. Remember that your grief is individual to you. Nobody is identical. There may be similarities but grieving is very personal and individual.

50 positive things about ADD

Great Things About ADD
ZOE HUMOR: I enjoy funny things that have happened in life and have been told I like to re-tell the story in a cute way.
Insomnia: I thought I was just a night person ! ?
The drive of Hyper-focus · Two words: Chat Addiction · Hyperactivity+Creativity+ more .. Sparkling personality· Drop names like Edison, Einstein, "Lets talk" Beethoven in conversations
Don't have to say freeze, I just look at all wordly possessions at one time.. because they are all over the floor
Very generous with money, time and resources, lately just with time and resources looking forward to better days.
Flexible· ENTHUSIASTIC· innovative
A strong sense of what is FAIR
Willing to take a Risk but I do not like to get myself in danger.
I can be real "Alert or Eager" ... ALWAYS creative and I easily produce original ideas.

An analogy is a comparison between two different things, in order to highlight some form of similarity ... yep good at this to.
Theoretical · Abstract Thinkers· Spontaneous · Always Hopeful

The Mind of a Pentium and I heard it said ... with only 2Mgs of RAM
Aesthetically oriented · Pleasantly and constantly surprised by finding clothing you had forgotten about ( my sisters cant believe my clothing stock)!
Able to tie seemingly unrelated ideas together·
Funny LOL!
Able to see The Big Picture while others stumble around in the dark.·
Independent, Bossy and I am a first born!
Demands to know WHY?
~Last of the ROMANTICS ~
Has a wide variety of interests (For me sometimes to many)
Good conversationalist
At IQs of 160 and above, virtually all people have ADD symptoms·
An innately better understanding of intuitive technologies such as computers ·
"Most Energetic"· and "Most likely to Self Immolate" ·
Great Improvisors ... Drama classes anyone?
Honestly believes that anything is possible .... this is so true ~
Great at Extemporaneous Speaking
Quickly assimilates new information
Usually a little bit smarter than the average bear and or cow! :)
Willing to "step out in faith" ·
Rarely satisfied with the status quo ~~ "Rarely" is an understatement for me here~
Empathetic
Can easily replace missing childhood photos with creative inventions.
Pleasantly and constantly surprised by finding money you had forgotten about! I hear my mother saying something in the back of my mind on this issue.
Blows up, but then usually recovers quickly
An unstoppable dynamo of human energy·
Doesn't know when to quit (talking mostly)
Intuitive · Compassionate · Persistant ·
Spunky· Hidden TALENT· Closely attuned to the moods of those around them ever since I was a child I can remember being this way especailly~
ADD is especially common among artists musicians, and other creative people ·
Can always be depended upon to provide a different perspective ·
Visionary· An Individualist·
Many successful entrepreneurs exhibit ADD behaviors·
A greater tolerance for Chaos ·
Provides job security for writers of Spell Check programs... ha ha!
Will fight for what they believe in .. YES and YES again this is right on!
Excellent motivators of others·
Highly organized, punctual and generally responsible after 100 years of coaching ! :)


Beautiful minds, I'm thankful for thee as we live to grasp your creative winds and calm the tree's.

Zoe~




This information is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice.
You should not use this information to diagnose or treat a health problem or disease
without consulting with a qualified healthcare provider. Please consult your healthcare
provider with any questions or concerns you may have regarding your condition.