Dance Like You Have ....

I was so blessed as I went to a Holiday party last evening for Social Dance studio. My girlfriend has been dating the new co-owner, I will call him Sir T. The owner Joy, someone I have brushed paths with; through taking classes in the past, then being introduced or anounced to her through my karate instructor also paths brushed through a (former multi crowned individual) I know and now the circle has come around again.

This is my girlfriend above...we took some pictures, I told her she would be victim and would be featured in my blog today with me. We really like this picture as it was catchy and unique (my sneaky image catching) so this is why I posted it. So we had a girls night out ... I took Miss_ _ _ _ _ My sons girlfriend to the party as we all made the V.I.P list.
We were graced with free lesson 's and many gentlemen in whom were trained and ready to dance .... Miss_ _ _ _ _said to me ... "You look like you are having the time of your life" when she saw me dance Salsa (LA Style) with some Cumbia as well. Well I was having the time of my life .. and I noted to the owner Joy that indeed have been out due to my foot surgery ... and I noted I'm doing little things to get back into the "swing." I did not mention the back issue ... I dont want to dis-able the chances of being asked someday to so some specail "projects" as Joy is very creative with ther students classes...they performed last evening (girls teams) I could SO do that some day, this stuff is why I work hard every day to get back to normal life!!

It is a good thing I have been trained in health and fitness. I move what can move and know how to suffer healthily, something most people will NOT do. I...we got on the V.I.P. list again tonight ... the fella's take me on easily and are good leaders...all supportive to my "re-hab" if you will ....I love Socail Dance .. it is classy and fun, you use your mind and it is the only art I know of where you can paint publically and let others admire your work. I'm a good dancer thankfully...I love to piant and be told I have great work ... is is like being in an old Fred Astaire movie~

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for this ~

A Monkey Or Two On My Back ...

The three things that make up health ... Eat, sleep and exercise. If you can do these things well enough ... then they say you are healthy. I learned this when I used to hold a national certification as an aerobics instructor.
I have had extreem imitations in all three areas ...not feeling so healthy these days.

Due to situational depression; (starting with particular stresses with my last full time job) and this mid-life diagnoses etc. ... I have had to try a few different anti depressants.

I will call them( anit-dep's) OR and TA as I do not know the law and wish nothing to offend. With these last two lovelies, I inherited muscle tics.... I got off the drug and the muscle tics have stayed along with memory issues. Noted issues with memory ...I forgot to put a particular piece of clothing on the other day and Yep ... I have had it.!! I have never had these problems and this only occurred in conjunction with Ta and OR. I don’t like taking meds but I’m fighting to stay in a good place due to all of the stress and the stress's I cant solve without a miracle or help.

I talked with my doctor this week...we have scheduled a EEG, we will be taking a look at MY BRAIN. I remember a wise man once telling me to be careful with all of these “anti-depressants”... he lives out east somewhere ;)
Yes, I heard that but I must say … things have been the lowest ever. It would not be over dramatic to say that I'm a suffering daily!

I have not been open here about the troubles I’m having. Physical, financial, all disabling and all things I do not want to air out. I have to remind myself that I felt called to do this Blog and I have to remember to have faith as I follow this. Bella's is one way I find peace and justice in the mix of all of this. I have to put away my shame and let others judge me if they read and let others be helped as they read as well.
I told me ex-fiancé’ today that being a woman with ADD/HD is far more complex in my understanding then males (he has ADD as well). Some of the ADD was noticed in males because they were hyper and hyper- sensitive and this was outside of their rough and tough demeanor. Girls were not recognized because we were classifieds as more emotional and sensitive anyways…. See it?…Sari Solden’s book speaks to this.
I went on to explain sensitivities and LD's that are now evident to me. OK...I’m a very strong woman…. I have been through things that have lasted years…stresses that I will not mention. Very strong people have told me, "YOU are a strong woman." I’m here today to say this…. if my body did not hold me back from what my heart and mind is capable of … I would have already changed the world as we know it.

I have thorns in my flesh … this I now know … I also have a beautiful mind ~

Snap shots of angry exspressions ~

So the anger thing ... this next part of grieving is the same as the last season of grieving in that the intensity comes in waves. What is changing? .... I'm getting more compassionate for others and less tolerant of my own (and other peoples) ignorance...sorry, just being honest. I should not say I'm getting "more compassionate" I am more compassionate towards all mankind really ... I should be, I have an invisible disorder in my brain and it has affected me all these years while I have been saying ... gee.. why dont I feel good.

I'm most frustrated with the mis-understandings and what the ADD/HD community has to cope with mentally and emotionally in an un-educated society. Remember .. ADD was originally called minimal brain dysfunction....
When I suffer from paraylsis of the will it is NOT depression NOR is it laziness. It appears like both but its face is neither in my world! SUSIE is NOT BETTY and visa versa. This all affects my life... every day~every week,month and now years. For years it has been like having a bad cold that you want very badly to go away. You do well at work but you come home and freeze ... and more.
You are not mentally retarded but sometimes you say green when you are meaning to say blue ... only becuase you just looked at the grass while you were talking about what a nice day it was and how the sky is so blue. See, the mistake is easily understood by any who may be listening ... but to have someone walk away knowing they could or might be judging you is angering. It seems like the ones who do usually have a problem or two themselves...I used to be a bit blind and ignorant as well so who am I to stay frustrated.

Though I walk with thorns in my flesh ...I still have a beautiful mind~

Stop Drop And Roll .....

OK ... we are stopping the past photo journal visits. I have definitely changed seasons ... last night I realized I have picked up the (next stage for me) in my grieving. ANGER~ yes anger is the stage I'm in now. The ADD has been affiliated with so many of my decisions in my past ... I was notoriously naive but smart and intuitive as well, so again the disorder hid or remained invisible rather.

There are many many things I want to write about but I do not because they have to do with some pretty personal issues ... this will be difficult to work Bella's Blog into the mix. My temptation is to run away and hide. What do I fear .?. ignorant people who assume. I'm a straight talker and sometimes people think because I process and feel certain things strongly that I may live by those things or that that I'm then ruled by this . Makes me mad that people do this .. I have a complex mind but my heart is very much in a place of minute by minute reformation ..this takes willingness AND I tend to process externally not internally ... I work on the internal processing ... it has been a huge step for me and I rather like not having to verbalize or write to help my mind process grief and or matters of life. Well I will be thinking and looking into "Anger" wether I like it or not. The hard part of this phase is that there is really no-one to get angry at ...so where and how do I do this?? We will see ! :)

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

Comment..

I read the last post's archive topic .... What stands out to me is the permanence I was dealing with then... it was painful and it has been everyday since but I make a decision to deal with it and compensate where I can. The offering of knowledge and apologies was cool to read about .. I have a big heart and see this as I read back.

I have a beautiful mind ~

Wind and its results ..

This picture can be found in Octobers photo work .... bellasarchives.blogspot.com


The winds have brought change … picture today is yet another look at the past. You get the photo from October but a new outlook today drawing from what I wrote then … a real live weather change in human form.
I’m not ready to comment yet on this past entry so I will just start with the picture. I hope to see good stuff and important “changes” in myself. I work at this “me” stuff unlike some and not as good as others. It is ALL very good whatever the case …
I’m gauging my changes in many ways. Today, by looking back… and I need more time to note my mind (then verses now)…..So I will stop here. My challenge to you ~ read the old post with me. I will even tell you the name of the entry and how to find it J http://bellasarchives.blogspot.com/2006/11/winds-must-visit-me-so-i-may.html

I will be back to comment this weekend.

Unamenetebelle

Zoe

Get wisdom then understanding though it cost all ......

Why is it so important to get understanding ... or in other words (discernment, comprehension, and interpretation) ? That is why I am here at Bella's and because of this I have ventured further out and have stumbled across more.

I'm getting reacquainted with a friend from 20 years ago. She is married to a man who has ADHD (16 years) ... telling already, very telling. I'm sure this will be very interesting as we share. I have not seen her face to face yet, we just talked on the phone, but I hear the grace and stability of character in her voice ... it was comforting ... and it brought back memories of being around her strength. One subject we touched on was sensory disorders ~ all that I can say right now is this .... if she brings comfort to me just with her voice and the re-acquaintance and remembrance of her character .... I can only guess that she indeed has been a major blessing for her husband.
I have found that getting understanding is costly. Sometimes you hurt or risk your "human" reputation in the process and gain judgment and rejection, as well the golden egg (understanding). If it will cost all that I have ... I will pay it, as I already have. There are people I know that have a different air about them in regards to "me" just because I have Bella's Blog ... Bella's is helping me and has helped others AND I'm getting more understanding in the process. Costly but worth it! Wisdom is something I can only pray for and I believe it comes with age as well.

I have a beautiful mind, that at times has cost me the ability to have a better life for a day or more, but I will continue to be thankful for my mind!

*Prov. 4:7 Wisdom is supreme; therefore get wisdom.
Though it cost all you have, [a] get understanding.
Scripture taken from the HOLY BIBLE, NEW INTERNATIONAL VERSION®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved.