Unwelcomed Evil Clown Face

As of late, I'm trying to keep allot of domestic sanity together. I refuse talk on my deepest of pains and struggles and have reserved myself for months as I do not see any benefit. I think it is enough just to say it is heavy over here and I pray that my constant smile be the energy force that will draw forward the special ray of sunshine that will chase away all of the clouds. There is not one particular cloud ... there never is in life. Mind you, I'm not unhappy or depressed ... just heavy loads and not light ones.I look at things this way ..life heats up with struggles and pains ...when the refinement has done a work in my character and this is evident to me, there is no reason for the struggles to stay ... at this point they are an unwelcome guest with an evil clown face. The next season brings in its own new venue of refining qualities ... I'm ready for some re-birth and or a spring season if you will ... and it is on its way.

My 15 year old son is doing so well in school ... for this I'm thankful. If I had to man a struggle of low grades along with the season I'm coming out of I think I would have adopted myself out to a foreign mission field and called home and said I had been kidnapped! My son is becoming a friend as we grow into his manhood. This is all to uncommon amongst most teenagers and their rents ... My boy is a level headed guy ... and his girlfriend is one lucky girl. He reminds me of myself in that he can chill in his own world and not be to affected by just being there ... for along time .... not really missing anyone .... not really loosing love for anyone ... just being. I wonder if someday he will come out of that and see what I have seen ... a unintentionally VERY well liked SUBTLY disconnected human with a whole new innocence to break through.
I'm really working on being that first "one" to walk in healing over AD/HD. With that in mind I have been thinking ... how will I tell all of you my story. Yes there is a story behind the one you have read here since last October 2006. When I tell my story it will move you to tears or fury no doubt. I'm mulling over in my mind as to how to articulate how my son and I had to live anonymously for ten years of my life without making sounds of self pity because I have none. Simply put .. I was married once and matters of life and death purge pity in my world. I'm left with the remnants and I now find myself needing to restore what locust have eaten for years in all areas of life....this to is like an evil clown face that is not welcome. How can I set the stage so that justice is done in my story ... I have more need of validation for justice than anything else. Justice yearned for at twelve years running. I wanted to spill these thoughts because it could all come to me someday and you will come to Bella's and find my story. Then again it may take me months to find the words. Either way I wanted you to be prepared ... I value my readers, you all have respected my every word and for this I'm grateful. This experience at Bella's could have been much like an evil clown face but indeed it has been one of the most healing, refining experiences I have ever had!! Thanks to Sir "J.C." who suggested Bella's Blog," as a place to unravel my beautiful mind. What I did with that suggestion in jest,(just to show him I could make a Bella's splash page in record time) turned on my heart and spoke to me and called me into this place sanctioned for healing and discovery. So much for my witticism and ingenuity. One never knows the ways of God and how He can grasp your heart ... of course one must let Him when He tries.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for this ... very thankful!

I will do it ....

I will and I will not stop me! I will and nothing can steal this from me. I will and everyone can watch or join me ... either way, I will be smiling when the crown of healing is adorning me because I won't keep it, I will give it to others.

I will give this crown to others and it will be my joy. We will announce that all beautiful minds can show themselves because they no longer will feel alone and misunderstood. We will have a treasure chest of crowns and will hand them on to many others. Then the many others will come back for more and we will give them a chest full of crowns that will never go empty and the crowns of healing will keep on giving forever and always. Then a day will come and God will look down from the heavens and He will see all of the glimmering colors emitting a radiance that the heavens had never seen before because all of the beautiful minds were wearing their crowns on the inside as they were giving without faint on the outside.

I'm thankful for all of the beautiful minds ~

From My Palace I Have overcome The Castles -This IS NO Cinderella Complex~

Over coming my stronghold has helped me have eyes that see ~
I had many sets of plans last night and I made two but one really stood out as being unique. I met with a girlfriend, her boyfriend and one fella (a friend of theirs) who I had never met. As the night went on, we got on a subject that was kind of heated if you will. I will not disclose the details leading up to what I'm about to share but I will say, I was triggered.... I could smell neuro biological dysfunctions in the air.

Up until this point my girlfriends boyfriend and his buddy took a liking to me. The boyfriend was a walking encyclopedia and had a small ego as to what was stored in his brain.... I had to one up him and mention a couple kinds of sciences that he knew nothing about. My no fear no "BS" attitude RE: Life etc. apparently got me positive points until the subject of ADD/HD came up. I piped up and as soon as I did the boyfriend scowled at me and said..”do you even know anything about ADHD and autism"? Well, first I could not believe he used both these disorders on the same sentence!! Then I looked at him and squinted my eyes right back at him as to mirror him and said … “as a matter of a fact I do-the first book I read on the subject was the ADHD-AUTISM connection”!
Here started the small game of verbal ping pong … then he threw out, well they thought I was a retard when I was little and I am high functioning autism … then I threw out . (as I looked at his girlfriend) oh, he has a beautiful mind! Then he threw out … that I did not know what it was like to remember every single thing you EVER learn or hear!! I said, I actually forget everything but I can tell you when someone is going to die and I’m not talking old people… AND he cut in and said, OH that is nothing; I can smell death so easily. I had a moment to pause, then I looked at his girlfriend and said … well hun, if this man tells you he loves you HE DOES. He has a beautiful mind and he cant do it any other way, he loves you or he does not….period. He would not look at me anymore but he softened and he leaned over to her and said, this is right … and validated his true love for her. After all was said and done and we were giving hugs … I told my girlfriends boyfriend, hey I love ya and he said … I don’t know if I love you yet and I said …you will someday! I could see softness in his eyes he was trying to hide.

It is not over yet folks!! The friend “who I had not met” told me as we were walking to our cars that his son has ADHD which led to a long discussion. He told me how his almost ex-wife lived so unhealthily as she stayed up late. I told him she was not trying to be unhealthy; she was trying to tire out her body so she could sleep. Then when I stated a fact that I had frustrations (like his buddy had shared earlier in the night) where I saw things other people couldn’t see … he stopped me and said ..”my son has told me ..Dad I see things other people do not see”. He looked like he was in the midst of a revelation. I told this fella …. Your buddy quit looking at me totally at one point tonight. He said.. oh he most likely got bored with you (totally spectrum related behavior my mind said) I replied with this …he did not get bored, I suspect that I caused him to stimm out … I touched his heart in which many cant do because he has a beautiful mind … this fella went again into the revelation zone as he had known this buddy since college.
There is so much more I could share about this night but it would be to hard to long. Know this … I was in tears this morning. I could see a man burdened with knowledge and knowing’s he wish would just go away ( I can relate in this to a degree). Then we have a man who does not understand his wife and the son they bore is on the top 1% of intelligence with ADHD symptoms that drive his dad to go over the top to get him organized in life so he can keep up with his beautiful mind. At this very moment, there is a program on MTV-real life stories about people who have turrets. I just read this morning in a ADD/HD magazine that turrets is co-morbid with ADHD and I knew this. My teenage son and his buddy are here, watching this program and they started laughing at the people because the manifestations seem funny to them. I told them …don’t laugh boys … turrets is co-morbid with ADHD and you both have been diagnosed, with ADHD, you best be thankful. They quit laughing and believe me its not easy to get these two to stop laughing! One of the girls on this show said turrets is like electrical shocks zapping her body …. I get what she is saying. Another fella said he may go on one date but rarely gets two! The tears I had this morning were allot do with others who suffer. Without understanding to many heart wires get crossed and I know what that is like. I have had much rejection. in many forms. I have felt terribly mis-understood, frustrated and affected deeply by things in life that others don't seem to get. I get it …. I get it all, maybe not at 100% but enough to know, care and feel the pain of these realities.
Through it all ... I have never stopped smiling really...I have never stopped knowing deep down things will work out in life.

I have a beautiful mind and I’m thankful~

Correction made on "Dr. Whatever and more" ....

My apologies ... I went back and changed/corrected something I said in my last post RE: working with a Doctor ...
I said I had not worked with a Doctor up until now and of course that is all together silly. I had two Doctors diagnose me separately (not on purpose), just worked out that way and I took advantage of the permissions given. My primary Doctor deals with all AD/HD patients at my clinic and I have had him on board for the length of this or since the beginning.
Dr. Normal is really trying to help my get symptoms under controll ... I would have stayed with the last pschyologists but he had zero to offer and let me know that up front in a round about way. He attempted to reach into the diet and nutrition area of my life but before that he had asked me a question about continuing and I got it right away that he did not see the need and it would be hard to justify re-visits..he offered expensive support groups and I got some books out of him and I knew it was time to look elsewhere. This is an experience I have had many times even while just reading articles on ADD/HD, even Doc. Norm acknowledges this dark hole in the system for ADD/HD.
As of yesterday, Dr. Normal and I are looking at my sleep ... very important and could change my life ... stay tuned and we will see!

I should say that I have been feeling great lately as well and I'm of course excited now about learning to dance around my beautiful mind and sensory sensitivities. I see all of the strengths and I said this week to some friends of mine ....I'm gonna make people want to have ADD/HD !
I have a beautiful mind and I'm truly thankful~

Dr. Whatever and more ....

I have a new DOCTOR on board. For those of you who did not know I have NOT worked with a psychologist or therapist YET on this Add/HD issue (Outside of being diagnosed really). I think about the "season" of acceptance I have gone through. As a female "sufferer" doing my own research was a must (certain articles I read told me to search for my own answers if I was female) I had started to do that already, only because I saw there was "nothing enough" for me. Then we have that grieving alone piece, because no one CAN understand, it is almost impossible. Can a man know what it is like to birth a child? So yes, when I say people don't understand is the truth ... they CANT, there is no self pity here it is just a fact.
What do I name my Doc so I can talk about this avenue here ...hmmm, I'm thinking. I don't want to use His initials. What do I want ...I want to be healed from my beautiful quirks in a way that makes life more normalized than not. I want to make a difference in this world for all ADD/HD sufferers and I want to move the medical arena to pay for a "coach" for all diagnosed adults to have one time a week in their home for three hours. The coach would encourage, help around the home and help set and keep goals. I will call him Doc. Future because no matter what he is helping me get to my future.
As for the challenge to be the first one to walk in healing over this ADD/HD thing ... I'm working on it, I just want ed you to know Mr. or Mrs..or Miss "Anonymous" ...I'm working on it NOW! ;)

I have a tremendously beautiful mind and I'm thankful!

Albino In The Sun ...

Sometimes having to resort to common known words to explain the beautiful mind is a minus. A bad day for a beautiful mind might be stress related-sleep related-to much stimulation related-under active really distracted related...
For my beautiful mind it is best for me to manage these areas or I'm like an albino in the sun ...acute consequences can set in if unattended. There is something inherent here and I will find the positive side of it ... I'm determined to have more answers~

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

The Horse Is Special To ...

FYI..I LOVE HORSES!!!

Please forgive me but I do not know what breed of Horse this is as I have forgotten. I do know the bloodline of this horse is rich in that they were a "WAR" orientated breed. I was allowed the very tender task of combing through this beautiful babes mane...warned to be extremely methodical I knew how to groom a horse luckily or I would have not been able to touch Him. I respect this out of knowledge and experience showing horses in my youth.

Now...here we have a strong horse that can take on its back a warrior and fight along side until death or victory....but if you comb His mane improperly it will break. Tender and tough .... this is ADD/HD beauty manifested in another light. We are known ot be Warriors, problem solvers and much much more but we have our special needs as well.
Why God made us this way is beyond me. I have been challenged here at Bella's to 'show up" and to walk in healing of this ADD/HD "thorn" or disorder. I want to .. I just don't know how to get around the potential of breaking the mane if I go at it wrong.
I have a beautiful mind~