Trouble For Girls ...

"Boxed In BY ADD":
"Hope for the future"
"The medical community is waking up to the fact that ADD is a big problem for girls and that the condition often persists into adulthood, says Nadeau. For now, she says, any woman who suspects she has ADD should educate herself about the condition—and consult a mental-health professional who specializes in the field."
http://www.additudemag.com/selfhelp.asp?DEPT_NO=406&ARTICLE_NO=5
Note the verbiage used in the parts of the article I have posted above .... "Hope For the Future"
I took this excerpt from back in December as to support yesterdays entry ....
As a woman, my heart is broken ... ADD/HD is indeed a big problem for girls. I talked to a friend yesterday who I have mentioned here before ...he is an MD and was the one who noticed my condition before anyone else did medically. I told him ... life would be easier for me if I was a guy when it came to dealing with certain emotions ... he agreed. My son has a girlfriend who has a shortened life expectancy due to a certain condition. In the beginning of their relationship, his girlfriend made sure he understood her health and asked him if he still wanted to be in her life ...he said yes...a couple weeks ago he gave her a "You and only You" ring. It heals me to see my son be a man, he sets a great example. He takes extra care to listen and talk out all emotions, concerns and joys with his sweetie ... she is well taken care of and I'm blessed by this~

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for it ~

Sad By Sensory

Sad By Sensory

Well ...the journey goes on ....
Lately I have just happened to be talking about sensory sensitivity or intergrational sensory disorder ... same thing two different medical terms. My Doctor and I talked about this disorder as it is co-morbid with AD/HD and I can still hear the conversation go to ...there is no real treatment for what I experience.
Now some are physically sensitive to the point where one would get occupational therapy to help them cope with everyday life. Mine is predominantly internal from taste buds to my tender heart. KEY POINT TO UNDERSTAND...Remember that women have to fight for themselves on the issue of ADD/HD these days because they never knew it was not "just a male disorder." I'm speaking for voices of AD/HD women who have been labeled and tossed .... males who were hyper sensitive got the ADD/HD flag because it was NOT the nature of a male to have some of our sensory quirks... girls were just sensitive by nature. Here is where the ball dropped on females in the medical community and co-morbid sensory disorders. Sensory sensitivity present in my life has been labeled in many ways....labeled everything but what it really was .. SENSORY ..NOT PICKY ...now once again I know I'm NOT a bad person when I only enjoy certain parts of life. The sad by sensory that I noted in the tag line for today means this ... it is hard for me to be in relationship with a fella unless he understands the way I feel pain. I do not even want to go into all the details of my internal electrical fires that can burn on my soul at times ... I have hated this ...thus I have hated me...this I now recognize so no more hatred and the other stuff I'm trying to change. I know I'm made with a beautiful mind. Spiritually I'm receptive which has saved my life (literally) and people tend to gravitate towards my troubleshooting when in pain themselves. I can't seem to find anyone who can wade in my waters with me though ...if they did they would get a human electrical shock which usually manifests in ...ah she is emotional or something maybe lesser would be slapped on my being. I'm sad today because I don't know how to man handle certain aspects of thie sensory stuff. I understand it which is life changing ... but I want more ... that is why I'm here ... I fight for myself and others in the process.



I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

Moving ....

My son and I will be moving in June. Being laid off from ones job can really take a long term toll 2006 was a year to be remembered for trials ... 2007 is the year I'm putting my foot down and standing on the fact that life will NOT bring me down ....

I'm sad ... I have lived here for five years and this home is my dream home .... I have imagined all of the things I would do here with paint to the floors ... to how I would use this home to help others. I can say that I fought for this place ...hard...but I did not win. I will be happy that I fought when I cry ... I will never be accusing myself of not trying my best and for this I'm grateful!

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

Bella's Blog

I'm getting ready to go to work and I have my relaxation music in ( I used to do massage therapy) still do sometimes. I have a hard time with the hour that goes by I get anxious ...total ADHD ... I laugh at myself when before I would have come under anxiety and negative emotions. I would have struggled inside to the point where it made me tired....Then it would have been an experience without understanding ...now it si and understanding I have control over that experience and it no longer has control over me. THIS .... is freedom, this is healing and I'm walking in it.


Now I have experiences that catch me by surprise, like when my water bottle pops from the plastic settling and I say "ouch" when the sound hits my ears. I'm in tune now to my sensory disorder...this happened yesterday as I was on the telephone with my sister. I said.."did you hear that pop" she said
yes'...I said did you hear me say ouch she said yes...and she understands and I need that and appreciate her. My sister works with autistic children and the one I work with now she is actually the lead therapist for. This kid hears on nine frequencies..you will often see him covering his ears when YOU don't notice any sound at all.....hes is hearing.......more than us...he has a beautiful mind to~
All of these years I lived in the shadows of the beautiful mind that God has given me. Now I have the privileged to understand my pains...yes I have a spell of grief when this reality hits but even more I'm so very thankful as I can become my own best friend. On the note of friends .... I was very stressed and angry all the time a few weeks back. I did not know what was up with me and through talking with my sister I realized that I had lost my best friend. D____ and I had talked on the phone every day for two years ... he a Doctor and has ADD, got diagnoses later in life. He was the one who pointed out my symptoms ... If he was not a doc I don't think I would have listened but that is another story. We have known each other for five years and last year we had gone steady and broke up but maintained our already established friendship.
A couple months ago he told me he met someone and I said ...ok , I need to find another best friend now as we a re both moral people. He said well lets see and disappeared..typical ADD ooopps! I suddenly had emotional outbursts of emotion and like I said I realized that D___ and I had talked every day for two plus years and now he was gone...he is the only one who understands me and suddenly I was left with lightning in my hands. My electrical stimms had no where to vent and my feminine soul was not designed to hold all inside. I called him , left a voice mail with my discovery. He called back and said he was sorry. Note this here...he did not call back and make me feel bad ...he is inattentive ADD and he forgets important things and attention to detail ( not if in surgery though) that is the beauty of ADD. I'm working on not having that person to vent on...it is lonely indeed ...sometimes I think who will ever want to love me and spend the rest of their life with me ...that is the worst to work through...but I'm working through!

Today I thought about Bella's as my friend ...... I had endearing feelings about being able to come here. This has been a great way for me to be here FOR myself when others cant. I can not expect others to understand and I have some to peace with that truth. I'm learning how to make it all work out.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

Senosry Intergration ...

Sensory integration disorder .... I think you might have read briefly here at Bella's about this. My family practitioner and I have indeed found that I suffer from this and have the classic signs ie: freezing at the thought of going to grocery store. I just read that at times this can be mis-diagnosed as ADHD but in my case this is a cor-morbid thing along with the ADHD.

I touched up this picture on purpose in photo shop to make a point. I have noticed if I do not take my meds I'm really sensitive emotionally and physically. Physically I get drained in a heart beat with any extra emotional stimuli and even without .... LITERALLY! On Thursday I did not take my meds on purpose and by 12 noon I was ready to take a nap and I did. I cried all morning becasue all of the stress I have been under for the last 1.5 year now. I get to feeling this all over my body and all over my soul and even into my will. I'm amazed at this. I felt I needed to get this written down here as it is a fascinating experience to see the physical side as well as consciously feel it. The picture being white on the inside resembles all of my stimuli (being white hot) if you will and affecting all of the inside's of me. RE: The mauve colored outline....red would kill as it would be all to electrical but mauve is red and that internal hot white mixing and showing up together. All electrical .... totally amazing to get in touch with myself in these ways..... it is SO important to understand your body and I have SOUGHT and I have found uunderstanding!!
I have a beautiful creative mind and I'm thankful ~

She said she was in tears all day ...

I can't say that I wont cry here today as I write this .... but the story is not about me, "she said she was in tears all day."

Twenty two years ago I made a friend. She is an amazing person ... I tend to think anyone who can put up with my quirks is pretty awesome really. My "friend" has two children and a couple months ago we were talking about her youngest one who is a lovely six year old boy. My friend was exhausted at certain things she was dealing with regarding this child and as friends do, she was venting some of her frequent struggles. I heard something that stopped me, so then I stopped her and this is exactly where this story starts. As I was hearing this mom's list of frustrations, I heard this .. "Zoe", every time I vacuume my son holds his hands over his ears and screams." Every one stop their beating heart and PLEASE hear me now! This is why I'm here at Bella's, this is why I write, this is the problem I want to solve by shining some light into these very dark places!!!!! The feeling that rose up inside me when my dear friend shared this, had much to do with compassion and justice. The knowledge that proceeded out of my mouth was easy and I was determined to reach my friend because I had a "knowing".
I asked a few questions that went much like this ... Q:"Do you think he is being naughty when he does this?" A:"No" Q:"How many years has this gone on" A: EVERY time I vaume Q:Do you think ANYBODY wants to scream and hold their ears EVERY TIME the vacume runs?" A: A No and i never thought about it that way was the way this answer went ... and I think you all get the picture. Then we talked about school and home, I told my friend "I"M NOT a doctor but I'm sure your son has a beautiful mind. I PROMISED her that getting him evaluated could save his social life; his self esteem and more. Please note: my friend has been in the medical profession and is not blind or stupid by any means ... I believe for most, the nature of this disorder is hard to detect and understand ... period.

This morning my friend and I were chatting as we do daily. Suddenly she broke into the flow of our conversation and began telling me that she had some great news, and that she was in tears all day yesterday and explained they were tears of joy. She went on to tell me that her son received a diagnoses of ADHD. She said they put him on Ritalin and yesterday afternoon her son came up to her and laid his head on her tummy. I heard something like ... oh my God Zoe, it was the first time I saw my son having peace within himself. Actually she said that and more and it was better coming from this moms heart. Apparently, when his head was on her tummy (he was being affectionate), she could actually feel his first morsels of inner peace. It was also the first time he was not jumping up and down and actually holding some stillness if you will. This whole story unveiled itself less than an hour ago for me. Yesterday her son was quite possibly saved from much pain if he had not been found while in this "invisible" disorder as Sari Solden calls it. If we could live out our heart and make our body fallow we would be in heaven on earth. The fact of this matter on a global scale is this (in my opinion)...meds are the easy way of dealing with us beautiful minds because so much time HAS NOT been invested into our welfare for proper schooling and early implementation of behavior modification. We have been left to ourselves or at the hands of the merciless-do the research and you will see for yourself. How long has this been going on..?... for decades, and to a degree we end up self destructing internally with external consequences.. We have been rejected and I can prove this by digging up history...all because the world has not known how to handle beautiful minds and I cant really blame, because we think pretty dang fast and that is not an easy beast of burden to contain. Today I'm thankful that one life has been changed while at a young age. I'm working on healing stuff on my end daily. This little guy and I ...we have beautiful minds and I'm so thankful for this!

Unwelcomed Evil Clown Face

As of late, I'm trying to keep allot of domestic sanity together. I refuse talk on my deepest of pains and struggles and have reserved myself for months as I do not see any benefit. I think it is enough just to say it is heavy over here and I pray that my constant smile be the energy force that will draw forward the special ray of sunshine that will chase away all of the clouds. There is not one particular cloud ... there never is in life. Mind you, I'm not unhappy or depressed ... just heavy loads and not light ones.I look at things this way ..life heats up with struggles and pains ...when the refinement has done a work in my character and this is evident to me, there is no reason for the struggles to stay ... at this point they are an unwelcome guest with an evil clown face. The next season brings in its own new venue of refining qualities ... I'm ready for some re-birth and or a spring season if you will ... and it is on its way.

My 15 year old son is doing so well in school ... for this I'm thankful. If I had to man a struggle of low grades along with the season I'm coming out of I think I would have adopted myself out to a foreign mission field and called home and said I had been kidnapped! My son is becoming a friend as we grow into his manhood. This is all to uncommon amongst most teenagers and their rents ... My boy is a level headed guy ... and his girlfriend is one lucky girl. He reminds me of myself in that he can chill in his own world and not be to affected by just being there ... for along time .... not really missing anyone .... not really loosing love for anyone ... just being. I wonder if someday he will come out of that and see what I have seen ... a unintentionally VERY well liked SUBTLY disconnected human with a whole new innocence to break through.
I'm really working on being that first "one" to walk in healing over AD/HD. With that in mind I have been thinking ... how will I tell all of you my story. Yes there is a story behind the one you have read here since last October 2006. When I tell my story it will move you to tears or fury no doubt. I'm mulling over in my mind as to how to articulate how my son and I had to live anonymously for ten years of my life without making sounds of self pity because I have none. Simply put .. I was married once and matters of life and death purge pity in my world. I'm left with the remnants and I now find myself needing to restore what locust have eaten for years in all areas of life....this to is like an evil clown face that is not welcome. How can I set the stage so that justice is done in my story ... I have more need of validation for justice than anything else. Justice yearned for at twelve years running. I wanted to spill these thoughts because it could all come to me someday and you will come to Bella's and find my story. Then again it may take me months to find the words. Either way I wanted you to be prepared ... I value my readers, you all have respected my every word and for this I'm grateful. This experience at Bella's could have been much like an evil clown face but indeed it has been one of the most healing, refining experiences I have ever had!! Thanks to Sir "J.C." who suggested Bella's Blog," as a place to unravel my beautiful mind. What I did with that suggestion in jest,(just to show him I could make a Bella's splash page in record time) turned on my heart and spoke to me and called me into this place sanctioned for healing and discovery. So much for my witticism and ingenuity. One never knows the ways of God and how He can grasp your heart ... of course one must let Him when He tries.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for this ... very thankful!