My First Heart To Heart Talk (PART ONE) + (Part TWO)

Monday Dec. 18/06 ... Part two is yesterdays entry, only edited. Because I'm in the anger stage, I have decided I might do this from time to time as I can get testy even if its is done in a nice way.
Excerpt from ADDitude magazine article titled "Boxed In BY ADD":
"Hope for the future"
"The medical community is waking up to the fact that ADD is a big problem for girls and that the condition often persists into adulthood, says Nadeau. For now, she says, any woman who suspects she has ADD should educate herself about the condition—and consult a mental-health professional who specializes in the field."
http://www.additudemag.com/selfhelp.asp?DEPT_NO=406&ARTICLE_NO=5
Note the verbiage used in the parts of the article I have posted above .... "Hope For the Future" __ "is a big problem for girls"__"For now"___"should educate herself about the condition."
Florence Nightingale where are you when we need you most .... we need some cleaning up on this issue.
"For now a woman should educate herself on the condition" .... this is what I have been doing. I found and read this today after having a heart to heart talk with a friend of mine. We have some plans in the mix and so I spoke up and asked for the stage so I could express some of my discoveries and needs.

I was in the dark or have been rather. I was unaware of my social deficits and my "education" (not confrontation which is different") on this matter came from a book. Someone told me once .... no communication is communication.

The anger stage in regards to my current stage of grief is hard to cope with because I have no-one to get angry at. The most important thing I'm learning right now has much to do with knowing my limits and learning new ones. I can ask for what I need "for now" and I will be thankful for the opportunity to share as it will raise awareness. I edited out many expressions of frustrations out of "part one" ad turned it into "part two" as to symbolize that I need much Grace and I need to give much Grace. There is much to learn regarding ADD/HD. I would like to do it alone and as a team as God brings people into my path.
Thank you God for my beautiful mind~

WEST COAST SWING ~

Last evening I had the time of my life .... The way Sir. Jordan is dancing in this video is the way the fella's danced with me last night. Since last evening was my second West Coast Swing Lesson and my first offical "Dance" I was blessed, lucky and to be envied!
West Coast Swing, here I come .... I danced a salsa number with one of the two owners of Social Dance Studio .. "T" graced me with the best lead and it felt good to be in my element. Last night was my official re-entrance into the world of dancing. With LA style Salsa and a bit of Cumbia under my dance shoe's I think West Coat Swing will be a great addition...I'm extreemly excited!

Oh my ... I think I'm in love ((smiling here)) I really had to put a picture on today with some drama ... I'm still on a dancing cloud~

I have a beautiful mind, "that loves to dance." :)

Dance Like You Have ....

I was so blessed as I went to a Holiday party last evening for Social Dance studio. My girlfriend has been dating the new co-owner, I will call him Sir T. The owner Joy, someone I have brushed paths with; through taking classes in the past, then being introduced or anounced to her through my karate instructor also paths brushed through a (former multi crowned individual) I know and now the circle has come around again.

This is my girlfriend above...we took some pictures, I told her she would be victim and would be featured in my blog today with me. We really like this picture as it was catchy and unique (my sneaky image catching) so this is why I posted it. So we had a girls night out ... I took Miss_ _ _ _ _ My sons girlfriend to the party as we all made the V.I.P list.
We were graced with free lesson 's and many gentlemen in whom were trained and ready to dance .... Miss_ _ _ _ _said to me ... "You look like you are having the time of your life" when she saw me dance Salsa (LA Style) with some Cumbia as well. Well I was having the time of my life .. and I noted to the owner Joy that indeed have been out due to my foot surgery ... and I noted I'm doing little things to get back into the "swing." I did not mention the back issue ... I dont want to dis-able the chances of being asked someday to so some specail "projects" as Joy is very creative with ther students classes...they performed last evening (girls teams) I could SO do that some day, this stuff is why I work hard every day to get back to normal life!!

It is a good thing I have been trained in health and fitness. I move what can move and know how to suffer healthily, something most people will NOT do. I...we got on the V.I.P. list again tonight ... the fella's take me on easily and are good leaders...all supportive to my "re-hab" if you will ....I love Socail Dance .. it is classy and fun, you use your mind and it is the only art I know of where you can paint publically and let others admire your work. I'm a good dancer thankfully...I love to piant and be told I have great work ... is is like being in an old Fred Astaire movie~

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for this ~

A Monkey Or Two On My Back ...

The three things that make up health ... Eat, sleep and exercise. If you can do these things well enough ... then they say you are healthy. I learned this when I used to hold a national certification as an aerobics instructor.
I have had extreem imitations in all three areas ...not feeling so healthy these days.

Due to situational depression; (starting with particular stresses with my last full time job) and this mid-life diagnoses etc. ... I have had to try a few different anti depressants.

I will call them( anit-dep's) OR and TA as I do not know the law and wish nothing to offend. With these last two lovelies, I inherited muscle tics.... I got off the drug and the muscle tics have stayed along with memory issues. Noted issues with memory ...I forgot to put a particular piece of clothing on the other day and Yep ... I have had it.!! I have never had these problems and this only occurred in conjunction with Ta and OR. I don’t like taking meds but I’m fighting to stay in a good place due to all of the stress and the stress's I cant solve without a miracle or help.

I talked with my doctor this week...we have scheduled a EEG, we will be taking a look at MY BRAIN. I remember a wise man once telling me to be careful with all of these “anti-depressants”... he lives out east somewhere ;)
Yes, I heard that but I must say … things have been the lowest ever. It would not be over dramatic to say that I'm a suffering daily!

I have not been open here about the troubles I’m having. Physical, financial, all disabling and all things I do not want to air out. I have to remind myself that I felt called to do this Blog and I have to remember to have faith as I follow this. Bella's is one way I find peace and justice in the mix of all of this. I have to put away my shame and let others judge me if they read and let others be helped as they read as well.
I told me ex-fiancé’ today that being a woman with ADD/HD is far more complex in my understanding then males (he has ADD as well). Some of the ADD was noticed in males because they were hyper and hyper- sensitive and this was outside of their rough and tough demeanor. Girls were not recognized because we were classifieds as more emotional and sensitive anyways…. See it?…Sari Solden’s book speaks to this.
I went on to explain sensitivities and LD's that are now evident to me. OK...I’m a very strong woman…. I have been through things that have lasted years…stresses that I will not mention. Very strong people have told me, "YOU are a strong woman." I’m here today to say this…. if my body did not hold me back from what my heart and mind is capable of … I would have already changed the world as we know it.

I have thorns in my flesh … this I now know … I also have a beautiful mind ~

Snap shots of angry exspressions ~

So the anger thing ... this next part of grieving is the same as the last season of grieving in that the intensity comes in waves. What is changing? .... I'm getting more compassionate for others and less tolerant of my own (and other peoples) ignorance...sorry, just being honest. I should not say I'm getting "more compassionate" I am more compassionate towards all mankind really ... I should be, I have an invisible disorder in my brain and it has affected me all these years while I have been saying ... gee.. why dont I feel good.

I'm most frustrated with the mis-understandings and what the ADD/HD community has to cope with mentally and emotionally in an un-educated society. Remember .. ADD was originally called minimal brain dysfunction....
When I suffer from paraylsis of the will it is NOT depression NOR is it laziness. It appears like both but its face is neither in my world! SUSIE is NOT BETTY and visa versa. This all affects my life... every day~every week,month and now years. For years it has been like having a bad cold that you want very badly to go away. You do well at work but you come home and freeze ... and more.
You are not mentally retarded but sometimes you say green when you are meaning to say blue ... only becuase you just looked at the grass while you were talking about what a nice day it was and how the sky is so blue. See, the mistake is easily understood by any who may be listening ... but to have someone walk away knowing they could or might be judging you is angering. It seems like the ones who do usually have a problem or two themselves...I used to be a bit blind and ignorant as well so who am I to stay frustrated.

Though I walk with thorns in my flesh ...I still have a beautiful mind~

Stop Drop And Roll .....

OK ... we are stopping the past photo journal visits. I have definitely changed seasons ... last night I realized I have picked up the (next stage for me) in my grieving. ANGER~ yes anger is the stage I'm in now. The ADD has been affiliated with so many of my decisions in my past ... I was notoriously naive but smart and intuitive as well, so again the disorder hid or remained invisible rather.

There are many many things I want to write about but I do not because they have to do with some pretty personal issues ... this will be difficult to work Bella's Blog into the mix. My temptation is to run away and hide. What do I fear .?. ignorant people who assume. I'm a straight talker and sometimes people think because I process and feel certain things strongly that I may live by those things or that that I'm then ruled by this . Makes me mad that people do this .. I have a complex mind but my heart is very much in a place of minute by minute reformation ..this takes willingness AND I tend to process externally not internally ... I work on the internal processing ... it has been a huge step for me and I rather like not having to verbalize or write to help my mind process grief and or matters of life. Well I will be thinking and looking into "Anger" wether I like it or not. The hard part of this phase is that there is really no-one to get angry at ...so where and how do I do this?? We will see ! :)

I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

Comment..

I read the last post's archive topic .... What stands out to me is the permanence I was dealing with then... it was painful and it has been everyday since but I make a decision to deal with it and compensate where I can. The offering of knowledge and apologies was cool to read about .. I have a big heart and see this as I read back.

I have a beautiful mind ~