Just a litte break ...

Today is just a hard day. Yesterday and today I have had a cold ... and I kinda got my heart broke as well ... it is a little break, but that is enough to make a girl cry.

I have had a "type" of internal pain all of my life (sensory sensitivity) read about it before you judge-this is co-morbid with the ADD/HD. Yet another revelation along the way. Here is an amazing example of ADD/HD manifestation I will share with you....
Note: this only happens when I'm at home whre I'm relaxed and In my ultimate comfort zone.Now days when my son comes into the room and startles me I don't get tense ... Something different I have never felt happens ... I get tingles starting at my head....only to travel down my body and back up. One time, it ended in my teeth but usually it ends in my head and it hurts wherever it ends. I have NEVER had this throughout life even though it has been in my body. In the past it manifested FAR different (behaviorally) until I extracted information about stimming in regards to all this ADD/HD stuff if you will.I have modified my "physical" behavioral habits/ (knee jerk reactions). I cant help but be amazed as to how I used to "cushion" this energy through certain behaviors and now I'm left to feel them IN MY BODY! I do not allow the stress levels I once had before. I tend to ride out the tingling sensation and I'm thankful its me feeling this and that there is no outward manifestation of stress pouring out on my loved ones. NOTE: I have always struggled with my heart not matching what my body does, even if my body used words and emotion! I'm not globally disabled here folks, but I think about the many that do not have understanding over themselves as this is a very complex disorder here and everyone is different . I would guess that is is more likely ADD/HD sufferers are reacting physically at loved ones and causing themselves and their loved ones pain. There is no room for explanation when we fail only judgment...I say this because I felt why why why..?..so many times! WOW, what a life right ..NO....that is a slow path of destruction! Once I knew for myself the nature of my beautiful mind in this area I then made myself accountable. I have a tender heart indeed but I can be very strong as well so balance exists.
Now how about that "kittle break"... When it comes to my heart, I will need a fella who has more naturally driven compassion than most. I tend to see things on a deeper level in life and sometimes this can be painful and other times it is helpful and brilliant.
This all ads up...being sensitive is great for having a good relationship....
Good relationship material is impossible to find (it seems). I have lost faith in this area lately. Intelligence is at the core of this last statement of mine ... intelligence makes up for so many words when with one you love ... I love that not having to speak thing when the one you love knows what you would, or were gonna say! So ... just a little break in a tender place today. I really do not know what I would do without God as He understands me and all of my litte Princess needs~
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful ...

Way Amazing 27 years later ....

27 Years later and I find myself talking to friends .... (in their eighties mind you) who have two children who are not married and they have no grandchildren. I told them about Intergrational sensory issues and my own symptoms and the lights were going on like no tomorrow as they sat and listened to me.
One of their children specifically is like my older sibling and is have watched her suffer from things and have a low self esteem all of her life (she is approx. 20 years older than I).This family has published works out there so I cant talk openly. Let me just say this ... It was an awesome feeling to be able to share with people who cared and understood. It was awesome to hear and feel them rejoicing in the revelations I have come into this last year. I can talk about ADD/HD here but out there I cant anymore. This Blog is dedicated to ADD/HD that is why I can come here ...but even my readers want to see more ... it will come and please give me time to get through this plateau. I called on school today, I have been re-doing things in my home, I have basically re-structured my head and do in many ways now. I will make a way or find a way to go upwards. People must understand that I thinkI cant becasue of millions of experiences of hitting neurobiological walls (literal walls) and it hurts inside BAD! Now I have to re-structure my thinking and will. It is not that easy to do when you are pushing against your own electrical current so to speak! I got to be like the litte engine that thought she could!
I have a beautiful mind~

Reply to the 1/26/07 comment (see below this post).

I want to thank whomever wrote the comment you all can find below this post. Faithful are the wounds of a friend, deceitful are the kisses of an enemy. I actually wrote the 26th's post "No communi-cado Is Communicado" for a different blog and decided to put it here as well...I shoud be more direct more often ... this is great!

Do I feel wounded by your truthfulness ..?... NO because everything you said is right on. I could beg to differ with you on a few points regarding ADD/HD but your message to me causes me to talk about what I have not been talking about here at Bella's due to some sort of insecurity. I can now choose to let your words launch me into talking about where I am at now.
I have been getting confronted with the very things you speak of. Life and death are in the power of the tongue and when used, I will eat the fruit (in my life) with what I produce my tongue...how I sow ... how I profess daily matters a ton.
My boss my sister and I were talking about metaphysical laws two nights ago and how it is being said that negative energy runs at the same frequency's positive energy in the brain, according to certain studies. Therefore If you speak and think negative you will receive negative and like wise for the positive. Someone out there is saying this is as much of a law as gravity. POINT .... OUR attitudes .. professions ... beliefs run like current and create or destroy. Now put free will and God into that mix. Add to that my professions here and your observations and I think you have made a point well taken.
I wonder ... are you are Prophetically gifted?
Here are more 'random" thoughts about "the comment"
*There is nothing like a good crack in the A frame to get someone motivated to move into the next season at hand.
*Saying I have a beautiful mind over and over has re-mapped my mind ... that is why I say it publicly.
*Now days I'm having thoughts about the vast majority of ADD/ADHD diagnoses as being far more than a "medical diagnoses" ... I'm thinking it is a people group that has been left behind in some respects and misunderstood ... my thoughts are evolving/changing....I have changed.
*I told my 15 yr. old son over one week ago it is a new rule in our home to speak out positively (not to be in denial) but to profess despite how we feel and the circumstances at hand. I told him, to do this deal in life we need to be on the same team. *I am going to read him your comment so he knows God speaks to me and puts a fire under my feet as well .... I will humble myself in front of him and show him, as I teach him, I'm being taught!!
*Whoever you are out there ... you are right ....
*How about it Zoe ... how about a prosperous, healthy wealthy life and NOT the past baggage full of low Hummmmmmmm .. *I'm now kicking that low hummmm freaky frequency out of my life one or more lies at a time.

**Last night I stepped off a lower landing in my home and folded my left foot over....I was not able to move ....I was on my way out the door to go to Kenpo for the first time in months. I was to give my sons girlfriend a ride home and I told the boy .. "I cant drive" (tears/pain). My son said "you can drive, you can drive" . I looked puzzled at him and he said .."I'm thinking and speaking positive". He had chosen his first positive words in the midst of a moment he knew we were bound to ... I smiled at him and he smiled back, he could see I was pleased with him! I did not put his micro spec of added sarcasm down AT ALL, as he was being a team player the only way he knew how. His girlfriends mom came over and looked at my foot as she is a nurse. I did not drive, I got a little medical attention and I was happy that despite how things worked out my son spoke positive ... now we ARE heading in a different direction ... training our beings to metaphysically attract the positive and positive came.

I have a beautiful mind ~ I'm glad I have resisted the temptation to ask for a new one at the end of each entry here! Indeed, I have been tempted many times ... but I have refused that negativity ~

Comment Published from 1-31-2007

Below you will find a comment left to me from yesterdays post.
I will make a second entry to respond ....
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "NO Commun-icado IS Communicado ..":

We have free will right? We know what God really wants for us don't we? Of course we do- sometimes we just don't want to take that road because "it's too hard" vs the road that we know is really right. Keep telling us that you want honesty and convince us that you will really listen and eventually we'll be more comfortable being completely honest. I'll take a chance and put my head on the butcher block and be completely honest. Perhaps my honesty will inspire and not just hurt. God gave us free will...you have more control of your life than you know. He only wants what is truly best for us because when we are at our most honest, most healthy, most giving (due to receiving the abundance he freely offers, willing of course) it is only then can we TRUELY reflect the "in his likeness". Do you really think that he wants us to go around and slandering his name by claiming that you are such a devout Christian person when your "claiming" things that is negative (I have ADD or I can't do this or I don't have the means to do this). If we are in his likeness than shouldn't we be living in love and absolute truth and abundant wealth and health? It's more of your choice than you think. Keep saying "MY ADD" like it's your God/idol and that is exactly what you'll get. He always gives us a way to change things but I doubt he'll do much prayer answerin' when you don't do what you know he wants you to. So you lean on the ADD/ADHD crutch until you perhaps see/admit that it really is your free will choice to be where you are at today. The thing about hearing God's voice is, generally we only choose to hear parts we think we can handle or deal with. Because to hear the whole conversation that is continually going on requires truly listening or perhaps accepting EVERYTHING he has to offer...not just the "poor me, I have this problem and God allowing me to go through this". No it's generally a consequence for the choices that we make- what we put into our body, what we watch, what we listen to, what we think. You have the free will to change anything you want but if all you focus and talk about is what is not perfect, than that's all you'll have in your life. We have more power than most of us even try to tap into- WE ARE FEARFLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE! WE ARE MADE IN HIS LIKENESS. How about striving to living more on Php 4:8 for a while and see how much things change for you. At least strive to praise what is good and pure and true and lovely. Yes you keep saying you have a wonderful mind...how about actually taking that a step further- you have a wonderful life, full of wealth and health! You plant seeds of I have ADD and this and that, you get what....Corn? Watermelon? Abundance of _____? You fill in the blank. What you sow is what you reap. You can stop the vicious cycle or teach your children to list to the father of lies too. But you and you only are solely responsible for what you plant. Sure the doctor's gave you some "seed" but it is your choice to plant them. He is a gracious God full of love and mercy. He doesn't want this for you...You want this for you. Think I'm wrong? Feel free to put it too the test. It's not easy at first but it is better than slowly dyeing because we accept what some person tells us what we are; and then turn around and except that as God's truth! NO ONE HAS THAT RIGHT! WE ARE FEARFULLY AND WONDERFULLY MADE! ...and MADE IN HIS IMAGE! Not what the doctor's say you are or aren't! You can be another statistic of a doctor's diagnosis or you can dig in deeper and search for what God really wants for you. You get to choose....free will...whatcha' gonna do with it? Perhaps that's what this blog is really about...the awesome change that people get to see when you choose to fully line up with his will- when you choose to do IT REALLY TAKES TO CHANGE...to become more like him. Not just with a few things but every aspect of your life! You know exactly what it is...we all do. You can always start with doing/giving up some of the small things that he has been telling you to do for years. Imagine how much hope that will bring to others when you tell them that there is actually a way out of what other people tell them they are. Now that would be powerful, that would be giving God his rightful glory! He always gives us a way to fix what we mess up. Are you going to be one of the ones that teach people how to heal themselves / accept healing? Or just stay in the disease? You seem like the latter at the moment but I'm guessing you'll turn that around. Your a bit stronger than some and you keep saying you relish the truth. This is MY honest truth. You've given permission to be honest know lets see how if you really meant it. This is my perception. Does my truth fit "your" truth? You really do have a beautiful mind- I look forward to seeing the rest of it. Now to see how honest you really are...to publish or not to publish. Your put in the position of wether or not to be completely honest. A little intimidating? Don't be so hard on people not baring there opinion/truth when you haven't always proved that you can handle it.

NO Commun-icado IS Communicado ..

Random thoughts ...This is a long one ... come back later if you are busy! LOL!

NO communication IS communication and I try to be impeccable with my words and I respect others as best I can.

I'm an honest woman and attract myself to "birds" of the same feather ... or I fly away~

What does that mean ...?...
A. When one asks or in a subtly suggest wanting to know something about me (out of respect) I acknowledge the inquiry (most times quite literally).
B. I usually respond in 1 to 3 different ways.
1. Be open (and honest) of course and give them what they are looking for ... an answer, not a run around.
2. I will say, I don't want to talk about that right now OR I don't want to talk about that period.
3. I don't have the words right now ... I need to find them and get back to you ... sometimes the words come right after I say that sometimes not. This response usually means there is a worry of misinterpretation, rejection or I have many strong emotions attached to the subject matter.
4. Timing for some matters is everything .. I have learned to wait on opening up the can on some matters .. again .. timing is key.
5. I think outside the box ... I may start with an answer then an elaboration of thoughts, a philosophical whimsical trail of insights and more are very likely to evolve.
6. Sometimes my mind goes bike riding and I forget what I'm saying .. rabbit trails ... silly jaunts to blah blah blah...THEN suddenly I find the original path again and I finish my thought... I almost always finish a thought. << (#6) ADD/ADHD characterisitcs in me ~
7. In regards to honesty and communication ... I try to be my own best friend ...
RULE IN LIFE: Why be in denial ... why not listen to others opinions of me (unless they are being ugly wicked and have no loving purpose).

This insight is priceless .... what I just shared is the foundation to any and almost every conversation one could have with me at this juncture of my life... we all change and grow ... all that is listed above may change someday ... but for now.. this is who I am.

A pet peeve I have in life is when people avoid ... skirt and the like. Upon a detection of things like this I immediately encode in my brain that experience. I then proceed with fascination as to how many masks I will get to see this person put on. I wait to see if the real person emerges ... we can all tell when one gets real ... we all feel it in our souls ...

I love people ... I am fascinated by the different personalities .... truly evil people should make anyone get self defense training ... truly loving people re-fresh me immensely.

Mirror and Glass ...

There are two "refrences" in the scriptures that came to my heart this morning. One is about looking through a glass dimly ... meaning when we see spiritually, we only see in part.
The other refrence is about how we can look in the mirror and indeed see ourselves, but as soon as we turn away we forget what we look like.

I'm not a theologian but I believe this quick memory loss speaks to how we forget our sins and shortcomings ... kinda a warning I presume......something we could possibly put under our hat to keep us humble. This is why the Holy Spirit was left on earth to be a helper and more. I know I need all the help I can get.
I have here today, old pictures and new ones. Unless you fallow my blog you may not be able to tell which ones are which.
Both sets of photo's work with the mirror effect. As I reflect back, I see changes I have made and more changes I need to make. I did not just look at myself one day and realize my needs for change ... I had feedback and honesty from others. NOTE: When I looked at myself I did not see my need for sanctification at first..... but I loved my neighbor as myself and I started to seek change.

I believe some of the most detramental problems we as people posess are the ones we do not see OR at least we cant seem them very clearly. If we truly "SAW" we would change on our own prompting. I also believe these sins or shortcomings, if you will, are the very things that hurt others and ourselves the most. I need more than a mirror ... I need Gods help and loving honest people in my life.
I'm glad I sought change BEFORE I saw more cleary ....
My son has reaped the biggest benefit from this season ... he has seen a model for change like never before (no pride intended)....at least i'm looking a little better to him as my heart manifests all that is within it on a daily basis. I thank one of my best friends D___ for being open with me ... he was loving enough to wound me and boy did I wound ... but I knew it was all good.
Yes, even when it hurt I went to the FACT there is refrence to our human blindness and I was determined not to be a fool to the knowledge I had.....wew...I have made it this far ~

I have a beautiful mind ~I give thanks for all that God has given and that His mercies are new every morning~

What a difference !!

Please note: I have full permission from my son to share the following information. Last year my son was getting a straight up (F-) in Latin. Last report card he was getting an (A). Finals are again, getting graded and in came the results ... I was informed by my son that he got a 96% on his Latin final this week and there were 200 points total. He pointed out to me that last year he was getting 2% and 3%. This turn around happened in all his classes after med's for his ADHD and a special person who asks about his progress on a regular basis.....here is the evidence, the published information out there states ADD/HD patients respond best to coaching. We tend to get busy upstairs and in the process a low self esteem snowball affect takes over. A little you can do it takes us a long way ... from F's and D's to A's and B's.
I read about the sabotage issue last evening (seeing yesterdays post). The information stated that the behavior of sabotaging is a sub-conscience attempt to self protect. Author, Sari Solden encouraged us to take the time to recognize and slowly change in stages. I like that idea ~

Thanks to God for my beautiful mind ~