Bella's Blog

I'm getting ready to go to work and I have my relaxation music in ( I used to do massage therapy) still do sometimes. I have a hard time with the hour that goes by I get anxious ...total ADHD ... I laugh at myself when before I would have come under anxiety and negative emotions. I would have struggled inside to the point where it made me tired....Then it would have been an experience without understanding ...now it si and understanding I have control over that experience and it no longer has control over me. THIS .... is freedom, this is healing and I'm walking in it.


Now I have experiences that catch me by surprise, like when my water bottle pops from the plastic settling and I say "ouch" when the sound hits my ears. I'm in tune now to my sensory disorder...this happened yesterday as I was on the telephone with my sister. I said.."did you hear that pop" she said
yes'...I said did you hear me say ouch she said yes...and she understands and I need that and appreciate her. My sister works with autistic children and the one I work with now she is actually the lead therapist for. This kid hears on nine frequencies..you will often see him covering his ears when YOU don't notice any sound at all.....hes is hearing.......more than us...he has a beautiful mind to~
All of these years I lived in the shadows of the beautiful mind that God has given me. Now I have the privileged to understand my pains...yes I have a spell of grief when this reality hits but even more I'm so very thankful as I can become my own best friend. On the note of friends .... I was very stressed and angry all the time a few weeks back. I did not know what was up with me and through talking with my sister I realized that I had lost my best friend. D____ and I had talked on the phone every day for two years ... he a Doctor and has ADD, got diagnoses later in life. He was the one who pointed out my symptoms ... If he was not a doc I don't think I would have listened but that is another story. We have known each other for five years and last year we had gone steady and broke up but maintained our already established friendship.
A couple months ago he told me he met someone and I said ...ok , I need to find another best friend now as we a re both moral people. He said well lets see and disappeared..typical ADD ooopps! I suddenly had emotional outbursts of emotion and like I said I realized that D___ and I had talked every day for two plus years and now he was gone...he is the only one who understands me and suddenly I was left with lightning in my hands. My electrical stimms had no where to vent and my feminine soul was not designed to hold all inside. I called him , left a voice mail with my discovery. He called back and said he was sorry. Note this here...he did not call back and make me feel bad ...he is inattentive ADD and he forgets important things and attention to detail ( not if in surgery though) that is the beauty of ADD. I'm working on not having that person to vent on...it is lonely indeed ...sometimes I think who will ever want to love me and spend the rest of their life with me ...that is the worst to work through...but I'm working through!

Today I thought about Bella's as my friend ...... I had endearing feelings about being able to come here. This has been a great way for me to be here FOR myself when others cant. I can not expect others to understand and I have some to peace with that truth. I'm learning how to make it all work out.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~

Senosry Intergration ...

Sensory integration disorder .... I think you might have read briefly here at Bella's about this. My family practitioner and I have indeed found that I suffer from this and have the classic signs ie: freezing at the thought of going to grocery store. I just read that at times this can be mis-diagnosed as ADHD but in my case this is a cor-morbid thing along with the ADHD.

I touched up this picture on purpose in photo shop to make a point. I have noticed if I do not take my meds I'm really sensitive emotionally and physically. Physically I get drained in a heart beat with any extra emotional stimuli and even without .... LITERALLY! On Thursday I did not take my meds on purpose and by 12 noon I was ready to take a nap and I did. I cried all morning becasue all of the stress I have been under for the last 1.5 year now. I get to feeling this all over my body and all over my soul and even into my will. I'm amazed at this. I felt I needed to get this written down here as it is a fascinating experience to see the physical side as well as consciously feel it. The picture being white on the inside resembles all of my stimuli (being white hot) if you will and affecting all of the inside's of me. RE: The mauve colored outline....red would kill as it would be all to electrical but mauve is red and that internal hot white mixing and showing up together. All electrical .... totally amazing to get in touch with myself in these ways..... it is SO important to understand your body and I have SOUGHT and I have found uunderstanding!!
I have a beautiful creative mind and I'm thankful ~

She said she was in tears all day ...

I can't say that I wont cry here today as I write this .... but the story is not about me, "she said she was in tears all day."

Twenty two years ago I made a friend. She is an amazing person ... I tend to think anyone who can put up with my quirks is pretty awesome really. My "friend" has two children and a couple months ago we were talking about her youngest one who is a lovely six year old boy. My friend was exhausted at certain things she was dealing with regarding this child and as friends do, she was venting some of her frequent struggles. I heard something that stopped me, so then I stopped her and this is exactly where this story starts. As I was hearing this mom's list of frustrations, I heard this .. "Zoe", every time I vacuume my son holds his hands over his ears and screams." Every one stop their beating heart and PLEASE hear me now! This is why I'm here at Bella's, this is why I write, this is the problem I want to solve by shining some light into these very dark places!!!!! The feeling that rose up inside me when my dear friend shared this, had much to do with compassion and justice. The knowledge that proceeded out of my mouth was easy and I was determined to reach my friend because I had a "knowing".
I asked a few questions that went much like this ... Q:"Do you think he is being naughty when he does this?" A:"No" Q:"How many years has this gone on" A: EVERY time I vaume Q:Do you think ANYBODY wants to scream and hold their ears EVERY TIME the vacume runs?" A: A No and i never thought about it that way was the way this answer went ... and I think you all get the picture. Then we talked about school and home, I told my friend "I"M NOT a doctor but I'm sure your son has a beautiful mind. I PROMISED her that getting him evaluated could save his social life; his self esteem and more. Please note: my friend has been in the medical profession and is not blind or stupid by any means ... I believe for most, the nature of this disorder is hard to detect and understand ... period.

This morning my friend and I were chatting as we do daily. Suddenly she broke into the flow of our conversation and began telling me that she had some great news, and that she was in tears all day yesterday and explained they were tears of joy. She went on to tell me that her son received a diagnoses of ADHD. She said they put him on Ritalin and yesterday afternoon her son came up to her and laid his head on her tummy. I heard something like ... oh my God Zoe, it was the first time I saw my son having peace within himself. Actually she said that and more and it was better coming from this moms heart. Apparently, when his head was on her tummy (he was being affectionate), she could actually feel his first morsels of inner peace. It was also the first time he was not jumping up and down and actually holding some stillness if you will. This whole story unveiled itself less than an hour ago for me. Yesterday her son was quite possibly saved from much pain if he had not been found while in this "invisible" disorder as Sari Solden calls it. If we could live out our heart and make our body fallow we would be in heaven on earth. The fact of this matter on a global scale is this (in my opinion)...meds are the easy way of dealing with us beautiful minds because so much time HAS NOT been invested into our welfare for proper schooling and early implementation of behavior modification. We have been left to ourselves or at the hands of the merciless-do the research and you will see for yourself. How long has this been going on..?... for decades, and to a degree we end up self destructing internally with external consequences.. We have been rejected and I can prove this by digging up history...all because the world has not known how to handle beautiful minds and I cant really blame, because we think pretty dang fast and that is not an easy beast of burden to contain. Today I'm thankful that one life has been changed while at a young age. I'm working on healing stuff on my end daily. This little guy and I ...we have beautiful minds and I'm so thankful for this!

Unwelcomed Evil Clown Face

As of late, I'm trying to keep allot of domestic sanity together. I refuse talk on my deepest of pains and struggles and have reserved myself for months as I do not see any benefit. I think it is enough just to say it is heavy over here and I pray that my constant smile be the energy force that will draw forward the special ray of sunshine that will chase away all of the clouds. There is not one particular cloud ... there never is in life. Mind you, I'm not unhappy or depressed ... just heavy loads and not light ones.I look at things this way ..life heats up with struggles and pains ...when the refinement has done a work in my character and this is evident to me, there is no reason for the struggles to stay ... at this point they are an unwelcome guest with an evil clown face. The next season brings in its own new venue of refining qualities ... I'm ready for some re-birth and or a spring season if you will ... and it is on its way.

My 15 year old son is doing so well in school ... for this I'm thankful. If I had to man a struggle of low grades along with the season I'm coming out of I think I would have adopted myself out to a foreign mission field and called home and said I had been kidnapped! My son is becoming a friend as we grow into his manhood. This is all to uncommon amongst most teenagers and their rents ... My boy is a level headed guy ... and his girlfriend is one lucky girl. He reminds me of myself in that he can chill in his own world and not be to affected by just being there ... for along time .... not really missing anyone .... not really loosing love for anyone ... just being. I wonder if someday he will come out of that and see what I have seen ... a unintentionally VERY well liked SUBTLY disconnected human with a whole new innocence to break through.
I'm really working on being that first "one" to walk in healing over AD/HD. With that in mind I have been thinking ... how will I tell all of you my story. Yes there is a story behind the one you have read here since last October 2006. When I tell my story it will move you to tears or fury no doubt. I'm mulling over in my mind as to how to articulate how my son and I had to live anonymously for ten years of my life without making sounds of self pity because I have none. Simply put .. I was married once and matters of life and death purge pity in my world. I'm left with the remnants and I now find myself needing to restore what locust have eaten for years in all areas of life....this to is like an evil clown face that is not welcome. How can I set the stage so that justice is done in my story ... I have more need of validation for justice than anything else. Justice yearned for at twelve years running. I wanted to spill these thoughts because it could all come to me someday and you will come to Bella's and find my story. Then again it may take me months to find the words. Either way I wanted you to be prepared ... I value my readers, you all have respected my every word and for this I'm grateful. This experience at Bella's could have been much like an evil clown face but indeed it has been one of the most healing, refining experiences I have ever had!! Thanks to Sir "J.C." who suggested Bella's Blog," as a place to unravel my beautiful mind. What I did with that suggestion in jest,(just to show him I could make a Bella's splash page in record time) turned on my heart and spoke to me and called me into this place sanctioned for healing and discovery. So much for my witticism and ingenuity. One never knows the ways of God and how He can grasp your heart ... of course one must let Him when He tries.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for this ... very thankful!

I will do it ....

I will and I will not stop me! I will and nothing can steal this from me. I will and everyone can watch or join me ... either way, I will be smiling when the crown of healing is adorning me because I won't keep it, I will give it to others.

I will give this crown to others and it will be my joy. We will announce that all beautiful minds can show themselves because they no longer will feel alone and misunderstood. We will have a treasure chest of crowns and will hand them on to many others. Then the many others will come back for more and we will give them a chest full of crowns that will never go empty and the crowns of healing will keep on giving forever and always. Then a day will come and God will look down from the heavens and He will see all of the glimmering colors emitting a radiance that the heavens had never seen before because all of the beautiful minds were wearing their crowns on the inside as they were giving without faint on the outside.

I'm thankful for all of the beautiful minds ~

From My Palace I Have overcome The Castles -This IS NO Cinderella Complex~

Over coming my stronghold has helped me have eyes that see ~
I had many sets of plans last night and I made two but one really stood out as being unique. I met with a girlfriend, her boyfriend and one fella (a friend of theirs) who I had never met. As the night went on, we got on a subject that was kind of heated if you will. I will not disclose the details leading up to what I'm about to share but I will say, I was triggered.... I could smell neuro biological dysfunctions in the air.

Up until this point my girlfriends boyfriend and his buddy took a liking to me. The boyfriend was a walking encyclopedia and had a small ego as to what was stored in his brain.... I had to one up him and mention a couple kinds of sciences that he knew nothing about. My no fear no "BS" attitude RE: Life etc. apparently got me positive points until the subject of ADD/HD came up. I piped up and as soon as I did the boyfriend scowled at me and said..”do you even know anything about ADHD and autism"? Well, first I could not believe he used both these disorders on the same sentence!! Then I looked at him and squinted my eyes right back at him as to mirror him and said … “as a matter of a fact I do-the first book I read on the subject was the ADHD-AUTISM connection”!
Here started the small game of verbal ping pong … then he threw out, well they thought I was a retard when I was little and I am high functioning autism … then I threw out . (as I looked at his girlfriend) oh, he has a beautiful mind! Then he threw out … that I did not know what it was like to remember every single thing you EVER learn or hear!! I said, I actually forget everything but I can tell you when someone is going to die and I’m not talking old people… AND he cut in and said, OH that is nothing; I can smell death so easily. I had a moment to pause, then I looked at his girlfriend and said … well hun, if this man tells you he loves you HE DOES. He has a beautiful mind and he cant do it any other way, he loves you or he does not….period. He would not look at me anymore but he softened and he leaned over to her and said, this is right … and validated his true love for her. After all was said and done and we were giving hugs … I told my girlfriends boyfriend, hey I love ya and he said … I don’t know if I love you yet and I said …you will someday! I could see softness in his eyes he was trying to hide.

It is not over yet folks!! The friend “who I had not met” told me as we were walking to our cars that his son has ADHD which led to a long discussion. He told me how his almost ex-wife lived so unhealthily as she stayed up late. I told him she was not trying to be unhealthy; she was trying to tire out her body so she could sleep. Then when I stated a fact that I had frustrations (like his buddy had shared earlier in the night) where I saw things other people couldn’t see … he stopped me and said ..”my son has told me ..Dad I see things other people do not see”. He looked like he was in the midst of a revelation. I told this fella …. Your buddy quit looking at me totally at one point tonight. He said.. oh he most likely got bored with you (totally spectrum related behavior my mind said) I replied with this …he did not get bored, I suspect that I caused him to stimm out … I touched his heart in which many cant do because he has a beautiful mind … this fella went again into the revelation zone as he had known this buddy since college.
There is so much more I could share about this night but it would be to hard to long. Know this … I was in tears this morning. I could see a man burdened with knowledge and knowing’s he wish would just go away ( I can relate in this to a degree). Then we have a man who does not understand his wife and the son they bore is on the top 1% of intelligence with ADHD symptoms that drive his dad to go over the top to get him organized in life so he can keep up with his beautiful mind. At this very moment, there is a program on MTV-real life stories about people who have turrets. I just read this morning in a ADD/HD magazine that turrets is co-morbid with ADHD and I knew this. My teenage son and his buddy are here, watching this program and they started laughing at the people because the manifestations seem funny to them. I told them …don’t laugh boys … turrets is co-morbid with ADHD and you both have been diagnosed, with ADHD, you best be thankful. They quit laughing and believe me its not easy to get these two to stop laughing! One of the girls on this show said turrets is like electrical shocks zapping her body …. I get what she is saying. Another fella said he may go on one date but rarely gets two! The tears I had this morning were allot do with others who suffer. Without understanding to many heart wires get crossed and I know what that is like. I have had much rejection. in many forms. I have felt terribly mis-understood, frustrated and affected deeply by things in life that others don't seem to get. I get it …. I get it all, maybe not at 100% but enough to know, care and feel the pain of these realities.
Through it all ... I have never stopped smiling really...I have never stopped knowing deep down things will work out in life.

I have a beautiful mind and I’m thankful~

Correction made on "Dr. Whatever and more" ....

My apologies ... I went back and changed/corrected something I said in my last post RE: working with a Doctor ...
I said I had not worked with a Doctor up until now and of course that is all together silly. I had two Doctors diagnose me separately (not on purpose), just worked out that way and I took advantage of the permissions given. My primary Doctor deals with all AD/HD patients at my clinic and I have had him on board for the length of this or since the beginning.
Dr. Normal is really trying to help my get symptoms under controll ... I would have stayed with the last pschyologists but he had zero to offer and let me know that up front in a round about way. He attempted to reach into the diet and nutrition area of my life but before that he had asked me a question about continuing and I got it right away that he did not see the need and it would be hard to justify re-visits..he offered expensive support groups and I got some books out of him and I knew it was time to look elsewhere. This is an experience I have had many times even while just reading articles on ADD/HD, even Doc. Norm acknowledges this dark hole in the system for ADD/HD.
As of yesterday, Dr. Normal and I are looking at my sleep ... very important and could change my life ... stay tuned and we will see!

I should say that I have been feeling great lately as well and I'm of course excited now about learning to dance around my beautiful mind and sensory sensitivities. I see all of the strengths and I said this week to some friends of mine ....I'm gonna make people want to have ADD/HD !
I have a beautiful mind and I'm truly thankful~