Unwelcomed Evil Clown Face

As of late, I'm trying to keep allot of domestic sanity together. I refuse talk on my deepest of pains and struggles and have reserved myself for months as I do not see any benefit. I think it is enough just to say it is heavy over here and I pray that my constant smile be the energy force that will draw forward the special ray of sunshine that will chase away all of the clouds. There is not one particular cloud ... there never is in life. Mind you, I'm not unhappy or depressed ... just heavy loads and not light ones.I look at things this way ..life heats up with struggles and pains ...when the refinement has done a work in my character and this is evident to me, there is no reason for the struggles to stay ... at this point they are an unwelcome guest with an evil clown face. The next season brings in its own new venue of refining qualities ... I'm ready for some re-birth and or a spring season if you will ... and it is on its way.

My 15 year old son is doing so well in school ... for this I'm thankful. If I had to man a struggle of low grades along with the season I'm coming out of I think I would have adopted myself out to a foreign mission field and called home and said I had been kidnapped! My son is becoming a friend as we grow into his manhood. This is all to uncommon amongst most teenagers and their rents ... My boy is a level headed guy ... and his girlfriend is one lucky girl. He reminds me of myself in that he can chill in his own world and not be to affected by just being there ... for along time .... not really missing anyone .... not really loosing love for anyone ... just being. I wonder if someday he will come out of that and see what I have seen ... a unintentionally VERY well liked SUBTLY disconnected human with a whole new innocence to break through.
I'm really working on being that first "one" to walk in healing over AD/HD. With that in mind I have been thinking ... how will I tell all of you my story. Yes there is a story behind the one you have read here since last October 2006. When I tell my story it will move you to tears or fury no doubt. I'm mulling over in my mind as to how to articulate how my son and I had to live anonymously for ten years of my life without making sounds of self pity because I have none. Simply put .. I was married once and matters of life and death purge pity in my world. I'm left with the remnants and I now find myself needing to restore what locust have eaten for years in all areas of life....this to is like an evil clown face that is not welcome. How can I set the stage so that justice is done in my story ... I have more need of validation for justice than anything else. Justice yearned for at twelve years running. I wanted to spill these thoughts because it could all come to me someday and you will come to Bella's and find my story. Then again it may take me months to find the words. Either way I wanted you to be prepared ... I value my readers, you all have respected my every word and for this I'm grateful. This experience at Bella's could have been much like an evil clown face but indeed it has been one of the most healing, refining experiences I have ever had!! Thanks to Sir "J.C." who suggested Bella's Blog," as a place to unravel my beautiful mind. What I did with that suggestion in jest,(just to show him I could make a Bella's splash page in record time) turned on my heart and spoke to me and called me into this place sanctioned for healing and discovery. So much for my witticism and ingenuity. One never knows the ways of God and how He can grasp your heart ... of course one must let Him when He tries.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful for this ... very thankful!