Bella's Blog
I'm getting ready to go to work and I have my relaxation music in ( I used to do massage therapy) still do sometimes. I have a hard time with the hour that goes by I get anxious ...total ADHD ... I laugh at myself when before I would have come under anxiety and negative emotions. I would have struggled inside to the point where it made me tired....Then it would have been an experience without understanding ...now it si and understanding I have control over that experience and it no longer has control over me. THIS .... is freedom, this is healing and I'm walking in it.
Now I have experiences that catch me by surprise, like when my water bottle pops from the plastic settling and I say "ouch" when the sound hits my ears. I'm in tune now to my sensory disorder...this happened yesterday as I was on the telephone with my sister. I said.."did you hear that pop" she said
yes'...I said did you hear me say ouch she said yes...and she understands and I need that and appreciate her. My sister works with autistic children and the one I work with now she is actually the lead therapist for. This kid hears on nine frequencies..you will often see him covering his ears when YOU don't notice any sound at all.....hes is hearing.......more than us...he has a beautiful mind to~
All of these years I lived in the shadows of the beautiful mind that God has given me. Now I have the privileged to understand my pains...yes I have a spell of grief when this reality hits but even more I'm so very thankful as I can become my own best friend. On the note of friends .... I was very stressed and angry all the time a few weeks back. I did not know what was up with me and through talking with my sister I realized that I had lost my best friend. D____ and I had talked on the phone every day for two years ... he a Doctor and has ADD, got diagnoses later in life. He was the one who pointed out my symptoms ... If he was not a doc I don't think I would have listened but that is another story. We have known each other for five years and last year we had gone steady and broke up but maintained our already established friendship.
A couple months ago he told me he met someone and I said ...ok , I need to find another best friend now as we a re both moral people. He said well lets see and disappeared..typical ADD ooopps! I suddenly had emotional outbursts of emotion and like I said I realized that D___ and I had talked every day for two plus years and now he was gone...he is the only one who understands me and suddenly I was left with lightning in my hands. My electrical stimms had no where to vent and my feminine soul was not designed to hold all inside. I called him , left a voice mail with my discovery. He called back and said he was sorry. Note this here...he did not call back and make me feel bad ...he is inattentive ADD and he forgets important things and attention to detail ( not if in surgery though) that is the beauty of ADD. I'm working on not having that person to vent on...it is lonely indeed ...sometimes I think who will ever want to love me and spend the rest of their life with me ...that is the worst to work through...but I'm working through!
Today I thought about Bella's as my friend ...... I had endearing feelings about being able to come here. This has been a great way for me to be here FOR myself when others cant. I can not expect others to understand and I have some to peace with that truth. I'm learning how to make it all work out.
I have a beautiful mind and I'm thankful~
