It has been a long time since I have been here. For weeks I have been suffering emotionally. I never really wrote here about the medical or money issues when I started this blog. It was for my ADHD mid-life diagnoses only. So I could get through it because I felt so alone. No, I was alone and sometimes that is just the way it goes when we have beautiful minds.
I am here again. Years later after being diagnosed now but my ADHD being the force behind me. I have written in here and there. But I have that feeling again. WHERE do I go? My ADHD is making me cry and feel like I will age and die in total poverty. My hips took eight years of my life after fourteen years of living in safety, in guard of my ex-phedophile husbands threats. How did my life become so ugly. It feels so ugly to me.
That fourteen years I gave was life and death for my son and I. After fulfilling my "safety plan" developed by advocates, the law, myself and a judge. Also, after seven years of martial arts training for both my son and I we were healed and started to move forward. I WAS SO EXCITED! BUT. I As soon as was clear of all that I knelt down November 23rd 2005 and what do you know? I was in pain and could not walk for years...took four years to find diagnoses. Would work a few hours a day and come home to lay in bed in pain. Weekends I had to lay in bed in order to be ABLE to do ANYTHING having to do with survival. Total financial devastation. 2009 Finally a diagnoses, surgeries with one year minimal healing each side and boom, eight years of not working full time is beating me up!!! I try to get up and I cant!
I come from a poverty mentally driven family. My step dad just got a huge inheritance and is spending it all on himself!!! Drunks do that I guess. And here I am working a wonderful PCA job....totally not good for my body long term. All thanks to this learning disabled mind that makes my whole life hurt. I know I would be one hell of a nurse and or a Doctor even, had I had that chance.
Life has been so unkind and I need a job that will make life work and I am stuck. Stuck in "no college degree land" in the USA. All I can do is type through the tears. A poor person can not in their right mind go on and on unloading feelings like this to just any human. I do not want people to feel obligated to help when I am just needing a friend or perhaps there will be no true reception. I've seen that plenty. People who say they have no money and your like...yah, we don't eat well and my heart, gut and veins feel it. I say, can you live off eleven thousand dollars in one year..?..for two people? Can you live on a part time income? How about a credit card? Oh yes, that can be done until one day the money stops and your in bed in leg machines not yet ready to work. Now the cc company is suing, harassing (while healing, waking me etc.) and now are seeking judgement against me. Gosh my life just keeps getting better. I wish I had 7 thousand dollars to shove down their throat like they shoved my helpless state down mine.
I am so tired. Everything is painful because of this mind I have to be thankful for....it freezes me, depresses me and keeps my energies low...it makes it so I can not excel in my talents because I have nothing but a high school degree.
My social quirks, God only knows how that damages me. I thank these cyber pages, they are forgiving. I do not even know if the blog is public or not. I think, who will read and who will judge?
It is 1:41 a.m. and I need to go to bed to get up. My client has a Doctor appointment and I need to get her ready and take her. The same clients are very very extremely good to me but even though, I was to expensive to lodge and fly to Florida. It is things like this....You see, now I know more...I can not help but think, my quirky ADHD flaws, is this to blame? I mean, they hired another PCA there for 18.00 and hour, fell in love with her and cried when they all parted. Yes they feel safe enough to tell me all this but you know what...I am hurting. I feel like a woman feels when she knows her man has been with another woman....another is seen and experienced only comparing is left. I know if my mind was/is malfunctioning in ways I did not know socially, rejection is inevitable. I have had a life of rejection from family wounds that are re-occuring and never ending. Now, I sit here not liking myself, mad and frustrated. God help me. I say thanks for the beautiful mind but no thanks for all the pain it adds to living life. It is expensive to thrive with ADHD when you are poor. I am dying, slowly shortening my life day by day with stress and poor peoples foods.
Sincerely,
Tired, poor and broken
